A Letter from My Taste Buds

Dear Japan,

Long time fan, first time writer. It has always been my dream to meet you in person, and I must say, you are just as classy in real life! I encourage you to keep up the wonderful work. I do have one little complaint, however…

Your use of condiments is downright unpleasant. First of all, enough with the mayonnaise! When, I just want a bowl of rice and chicken, I prefer not to have it lathered in mayo from a tube immediately before delivery. I also don’t like it in my sushi, hot dogs, omelets, noodles, hamburgers, or salads. I’ll admit, it’s decent in tuna and… well, tuna. Let’s compromise: how about you provide those little packets of mayonnaise, and I’ll apply it at my own discretion.

Now, let’s address the issue with ketchup. I appreciate your determination, but ketchup will never ever make my eggs taste better. I’d really appreciate a truce on this little battle. But I do have a suggestion – how about you take all that ketchup and give it to McDonalds for their fries? That way they wouldn’t need to apply a barrel of salt for flavor. And speaking of McDonalds, they need to stop hoarding all their sauces. I just want some dipping sauce with my “shaku shaku” chicken. Yes, I understand that’s not the “point” of shaku shaku chicken, but I don’t understand the big fuss – I’ll pay extra, I just want some barbecue sauce! I know you have it – it’s available for the chicken nuggets, so you’re not fooling me, McDonalds.

And finally, I would like to discuss my [literal] distaste with your use of wasabi. Granted, I do realize I’m in Japan, so I should just “deal” with the green death paste. And that I can do – I have no serious opposition of scraping away the surplus of wasabi. It’s just, doing so can be rather difficult when you try to HIDE said wasabi from me. Yes, you have succeeded in making going to a sushi bar the most fiendish game of hide and seek I’ve ever seen. Oh! An innocent piece of salmon! Ha. Yeah right. SOMEWHERE on this lovely little piece of fish is a tablespoon of wasabi just waiting to wreak havoc on my nasal cavity. Thanks to you, Japan, I’m going to walk away with some strange and yet unknown post-traumatic stress disorder. I hope you’re happy.

My taste buds hope you will take these minor suggestions into account. KTHXBAI,
Leah